yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
