I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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