the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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