So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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