i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
