I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
