Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
