I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
