The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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