last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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