the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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