that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
