My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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