have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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