We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
