if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
