don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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