woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
