i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
