if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there's paper in my vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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