1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
