id be glad to
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
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I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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