Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
