I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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