Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
