someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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