i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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