I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
