all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
