You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
