No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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