I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
