ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
