I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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