Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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