so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.