Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
