sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
