Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
