He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
