the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
