I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
