No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
