fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
