I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
