My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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