just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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