Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
