I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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