porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
