im having a threesome with these popsicles
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
