Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
