oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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