Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
