I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
