I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
