i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
