Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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