I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
