I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
