A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
