Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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